Why is it that when you want to do something for yourself, people always find a way tor ruin it for you?
This ojt thing was so fucked up, I'm not even going to be surprised if I get a 5 out of it... and that's the just the beginning.
I want to write. I want to write a decent rant, but I feel so empty. I'm literally out of gas, and I've been like this for such a long time that I don't even know how fix it. I feel numb - or I should say, I'm numb, since being numb means I can't feel anything anymore. Literally - emotionally. I thought things would turn out for the better when I reach this final year of college, but I'm going through that depression state I was in just a few years ago.
A slump. I'm definitely tempted to call it that, but can it still be called a slump if I've been in it for almost a year now? I don't know why this is happening to me; I keep fucking up people and relationships and god knows what else. I just feel so drained all the time that I can't even think of anyone but myself. I feel so... selfish, so insecure, so tired and tired of it all. I'm sick. It's almost as if I've caught all the forms of depression imaginable. I'm just... so sad all the time, it's making me physically sick.
I don't know why. I have no idea why I'm still like this. I mean, I've gotten over 'that' ages ago. I'm sure I have. It doesn't even hurt anymore when I see that person laughing with other people... I mean, it used to, a lot. A whole lot... but I guess it's true that time heals people. Or it just makes you so numb to things, you don't even realize you're hurting.
I'm going to be honest. That thing that happened fucked me up good. And it left some lasting damages, damages like a poison attack in rpg games. If I don't get myself an antidote, it'll keep coming back to suck more of my life points. Funny, that. I wonder if that was the inspiration for poison effects in games. But seriously, I'm more fucked up than ever now, I know.
These past few months, I've done a lot of nasty things. Mean things. Crazy things. Like that time at that bread store. You know who you are and what I did. Can't say I can ever fully explain why I did that at that time and at that place, but I know what I did then hurt us a lot. And sado-masochistically crazy as it sounds, I wanted it to hurt us. Because I'm fucked up like that. And because I wanted to know if I mattered enough to you that it would hurt. But I guess that backfired on me, huh? We were never the same after that.
I kept thinking, "Oh well, better to nip it at the bud than have it turn to something that will hurt me even more later." But that wasn't right. Actually, you had a point in saying what you said that time... it hit me hard, what you said, but not because of what you meant with those words. You told me you felt that I was just picking you as a second choice, as somewhat like a back-up plan to my already messed up relationship with that someone. I denied that at that time, and I'm still denying it now. But I've come to realize something.
I was scared. I was scared of going through all of it again, so scared that I didn't want to get attached too much. There was something you said before that phrases it quite accurately... Ah, yes. That this is the problem with investing in people. I firmly agree with that. People are fickle things. They're fine one moment and then they're unhappy the next. They're not like things a person can buy - once bought, there's no turning back. If only people could also be like that, then this world would not have a problem at all.
When that person and I started fighting, I felt so much like crying. I wanted to just scream and never stop screaming. I wanted to throw things around, smash windows and break plates. I wanted to throw my clothes out the window and just.. just pour it all out. I wanted to strangle myself my letting things go haywire. I wanted to do so much...
I never had the chance, though. I didn't get mad physically, I wasn't able to throw around anything. Not even a pillow. Not a single tear ran down my cheek. I just literally went silent. There was nothing to let out because all the feelings I've bottled inside just somehow sank even deeper when I tried to get them out. It's like all my sadness and anger didn't want to let go of me, and I couldn't do anything about them. Couldn't do anything but try to move on, move on and forget.
But those feelings.. they still fuck me up. They made me act like that toward all the other people near me. I want to blame that person, but that would not be fair. They were my feelings; I was responsible for creating them, no matter what the situation. No matter how much I just want to cover my ears and tell everyone that it wasn't my fault.
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